Recently, I have felt God wanting me to read through the
book of Job. That is a scary prospect to
come to. At first I willingly
obeyed. I like it when I do that. I wish I did it every time. Then a question hit me: “Why?”
Why does God want me to read Job?
What most people remember about the book of Job is that God allowed all
the prosperity of Job to be taken from him even though he was a really stand-up
guy, so naturally I quickly start to worry whether God is preparing me to
undergo the same thing. Maybe He is, but
as I started thinking about it, a reason much more specific to me started
forming in my mind. I have a problem
believing that the blessings of God depend on my actions. I hate sin.
I despise myself when I fall to it, and I have found myself wondering if
I have missed out on some of the good things God had for me in my life because
I lusted or spoke in anger. Marriage is
one of those things. I see most of the
people my age married and having children, but that is not something God has
given me. I wonder why. Is it something I did? Did I mess it up?
I don’t want to negate responsibility for sin. It is true that sin can directly keep us from
experiencing the blessings of God. In 2
Samuel 11, David fails miserably. It is
hard to think of a man failing in a worse way.
First he gets lazy and dishonors himself by not going out to war with
the men he has sent to the front. He
commits adultery with a woman he has been put in position to protect as her
king, and then he conspires against and murders the husband of the woman he
violates. God punishes David as the
child conceived in adultery is lost.
Bathsheba also had to live with the death of her child and possibly the
fate of Uriah for her part in it.
What I have wondered is if God is holding marriage from me a
punishment for my past sin. This
question has tormented me, especially since my ex-fiancée called off our
wedding and has refused to speak to me since that point. God has allowed me to move passed my relationship
with her, the pain of the relationship ending, and the confusion of being left
with no real closure, but the question still remains. Is this a punishment?
I also felt God’s call in a way that leaves no doubt at all
in my mind or heart to be up here in Indiana far away from anyone I knew. I am eternally grateful for those who have
become my friends. It has made more of a
difference than they could possibly know.
Yet, it is still hard sometimes to go home to an empty apartment. Is this punishment?
In light of these questions, the story of Job suddenly makes
a lot of sense. Maybe, these are just
the trials that God has for me. Maybe,
like Job, they have nothing to do with the sin I have committed. It is just the hardship of the calling He has
given me. I told Him that I would
go. I asked Him to use me, and He
certainly has. The joys of this calling
are as great as the pains. It is a
calling of extremes, but I have to minister.
I have to be a pastor. I know the
calling He has put on my life, and I would ask for no other. If I am to be unmarried for the rest of my
life, it is a cross I will just have to bear, but maybe it won’t be that way…
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